As temperatures started to rise and we welcomed summer in the northern hemisphere, all excited, the heart of my partner cooled down. The following breakup & heartbreak (more on that here) put my life upside down. And while I was dealing with the practical & emotional aftermath, I found myself in a handstand with new perspectives. Most importantly, I tried to never give up on myself. And in putting my heart back together, I learned a lot about who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.

We all have our insecurities. We all have our ways of covering them up when we don’t want to confront them. And when we lose something that means a lot to us, we tend to also lose a part of our identity. That last part is usually the most painful.

Sometimes, life pushes us to make decisions. Adapt. Grow. You can try to resist it, but time will always outdo us. However, I am not the kind of person who wants to rot, blaming others for my own misery. I respect myself and my time in this life too much to sacrifice it. So I’ve been focusing on bringing my wandering mind from past memories to the present, to my body’s presence. And as I started making new plans, I realized that growth doesn’t happen in the future. Growth happens in the present. And I think it’s no coincidence that the English word present is also used synonymously with the word gift. And like a gift, you need to accept it, everything that is.

In my case, acceptance meant spending time with myself and dropping everything that felt like baggage. Embracing the loneliness. The emptiness. I tried to walk the tightrope of confronting my insecurities while not getting sucked into a spiral of negativity. This process felt sobering, liberating, and freeing. Not always comfortable. And that’s when I figured I was growing.

Artistically, I want to drop the baggage of expectations too. Under the pressure of recognition, success, money and time, life doesn’t grow as beautifully as on the playground of passion & love. So I have been making my way back to the playground, playing, trying, falling, getting back up, trying again,… the 4-year-olds in us know it of course, but do we still?

This process led me to new ideas, new models, new materials, and new artworks. I moved from drawing with black fineliners to color pencils and onto painting with oil pastels, with my fingers. I started to play with colors, their vibrance and their interactions. Moreover, structure has entered my lines and given new depth to my artworks. I feel like these materials demand more emotion and craft from me, and I enjoy the possibilities. I am pleased with the added meaning I can put into my work.

After my phase of loss and grief, I am finding new ways to fill my time and identity with. In expressing, in creating, in drawing, in painting, in writing, in feeling, in trying, I keep finding meaning, joy & love. I am practicing various forms of art, including piano, and focused on building my artistic legacy while taking time for my physical and mental health.

It is humbling to see your interest in my journey. Creatively, but also personally. Perhaps you have even been through similar experiences yourself. I am grateful for your support and hope you find inspiration in and reading between my lines.

I also want to thank all of you who help me live from my art by collecting my art. I just put some new drawings for sale here. And here you can explore my colorflow originals. For my new large canvas works, please inquire via email to f@flowsofly.art (they are currently drying).

Here are some of my newest works:

“Pia Pinot”, oil pastels on canvas, 215 x 145 cm

“Sunrise”, oil pastels on canvas, 110 x 215 cm

“Perspective”, oil pastels on canvas, 145 x 110 cm

“Hip Hip Hooray”, Series of 3, colored pencils on paper, 70 x 50 cm each

“Sicilian Lemon Kiss”, colored pencils on paper, 70 x 50 cm

“In the waves of lust”, colored pencils on paper, 50 x 70 cm [SOLD]

“Sono qui”, colored pencils on paper, 70 x 50 cm [SOLD]

“Kiss the Neck”, Drawn Edition of 33, 50 x 70 cm, for sale here

“Self-Care”, Drawn Edition of 33, 50 x 70 cm, for sale here

“Morning Coffee”, Drawn Edition of 33, 50 x 70 cm, for sale here

Find all Editions here.

Thanks again for your support :)

Sending ♡ & hugs from Vienna,

flow

I know you feel sad. Disappointed. Rejected. Angry. Lost. And it’s ok. You’re ok. You’re great, actually, greater than you think of yourself right now. And things will get better. Trust me. I write this from the future so I know.

You have lost someone. Someone whom you loved with all of your heart. Someone to whom you gave all of your energy, time, talents, compassion, and vulnerabilities. Someone whose mere presence activated your smile and overflowed serotonin and oxytocin more than any drug ever can. Someone whose hug and kiss cured every wound, solved every puzzle, and answered every question. Someone who changed your life so profoundly that you envisioned a life together till the end of time. Someone you wanted to share every sunrise and sunset with. Someone with whom you wanted to fuse your love and genes together to form new life and family. Someone who made you love, dream and care about every detail of life, experience, taste, and overcome the feelings of days and nights, wins and losses, joys and tears as a team, as a couple, as soulmates. Someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

My god, how proud you should be of yourself. You have loved oh so deeply. You dared to open your heart and let life fill it with sweetness, joy, and love. You received so many blossoms for your soul to dance on, your mind to learn from and your body to lean on. That’s something to be grateful for.

And now you feel like a bomb has exploded everything that mattered to you, devil teeth have shredded your book of life and you’ve been ousted from your protagonist role. You only see ruins and holes where smiles, hugs, and orgasms used to linger and all of your castles in the sky have suddenly puffed into sad, grey nothingness.

You look at yourself and your life, alone, broken, on your knees, with tears in your eyes and don’t want to accept what has happened.

But you have to.

Here’s a hard truth: Everyone will leave your life at some point. Except yourself. That’s why the relationship you cultivate with yourself is the most important one in your life. So, above everyone else, you must approach yourself with kindness, respect, and love first.

Don’t torture yourself now with questions of why and what if. Don’t dwell in hope for what isn’t. Just learn to accept. When you feel tears, let them out. When you feel pain, let it out. When you feel anger, let it out. Shout it, sport it, art it, do with it whatever feels okay. Allow yourself to grief, for you have lost someone. But know that this grief, too, has an end.

So. How do we go about this?

Accepting the reasons you have been given, or any reason you want to invent is the first step you must take right now.

You must learn to accept this chapter as the past and accept that you don’t live in the past. You live in the present. So you must learn to let go and move on. And very soon, you will learn to say yes again. You will grow confidence in yourself and your talents again. And life will guide you if you let it.

You are an exceptional human being. Exceptional in your capacity to love, to give, and to create. You have, time and time again, shown yourself and the world that you have all it takes to make something from nothing. Use this power. Use your talents. Use your time. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to yourself to get up again now. You owe it to the future you have ahead of you. You owe it to all the beautiful feelings, thoughts, and ideas you have inside of you that haven’t been born yet. Don’t give up now. Never give up, for fuck’s sake! Never give up on yourself.

Don’t let anyone steal your future. Don’t let anyone hold your hope hostage. Set yourself free. Set yourself free, my dear.

So gather the courage now, roll up your sleeves and clean up the mess that was left behind. Don’t prolong this more than necessary. Clean up and throw out what feels like baggage. Clear the ground and soon you’ll see fresh green grass growing again. And after some time, you’ll start to spot new flowers in the wilderness.

Let me also tell you that you’re not alone. You have built relationships with friends and family who are here for you. Call them. They are here to hug you. And no, you don’t need to play it cool in front of them. They accept your tears, they accept your wobbling, they understand that you’re learning to walk on your own again.

And when those memories come up again, embrace them. Places, pictures, songs, scents, meals, and faces will come up in your life and they will ask for your attention and emotions. Don’t shy away from them. Instead, breathe. Inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale. Practice gratefulness, and reality check that those memories are the past and you live in the present.

When this feels hard, remind yourself of all the things that weren’t great. You have made concessions. You have made compromises. You have passions, dreams, and needs that weren’t met. Remind yourself of those and your newfound freedom to practice that. Remind yourself that you deserve someone who loves you. Someone who makes you a priority.

Oh, and I should also talk about time because you seem concerned with that. Time pushes life forward, always forward, with death and birth, with goodbye and hello at every corner, at every second. Understand that many things are pushed by time and life and these are out of your control. What is in your control is what you do with what you’re given, what you do with what you’re gifted.

And please, stop using other people’s lives and arbitrary, out-of-context milestones as a model for yours. I’m sure it will only take you seconds to notice all the differences between you and them, between your experiences and dreams, so why worry about comparing your life’s rose to their tulip? Your life, your flower will bloom again, and smile if you can point your head to the sun and let it kiss you.

My dear, life is a journey that comes in many chapters. Some are shorter, some are longer and they all ask for different skills for you to master. This one asks you to let go. This one asks you to grow with the flow. Don’t stay stuck here. Promise me you’ll be kind and respectful and loving to yourself. Promise me you’ll try to do something good for yourself, every day. You have such an amazing future ahead of you, you amazing, kind, creative, strong, and beautiful human soul. You owe it to yourself and the world to let that soul shine.

In loving anticipation,

your future self

PS: I listened to this piano piece on repeat as I wrote this letter

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How grounded in reality are my worries?

That’s my question for you today. I think I am not alone when I say that many of my worries exist only in my head. They never materialize. But that often doesn’t stop me from inventing possibilities, thinking about all the things that could happen, or what others could have meant with this or that. And that costs a lot of energy, time, and headspace that could better be spent on fun, positivity & gratefulness.

Artwork above drawn with fineliner on paper, 20x30cm, January 2021

So what’s wrong with thinking, what’s wrong with using one’s brain — isn’t that a sign of intelligence? And isn’t the capacity to think beyond one’s own fingertips and imagine possible scenarios a condition for inventive, creative, and also empathic thinking?

Yes, Mr. Socrates, “the unexamined life is not worth living”. But we have to be careful which mental waves we ride, and which we let pass, on a mission to keep our health and sanity. We need to examine what does us well and what doesn’t. We need to examine how grounded in reality our mind games are and assess their relevance. For thoughts can be destructive and form unhealthy belief systems that can form storms that overcome us like a tsunami or hold us in a mental prison, keeping us from pursuing (sometimes merely accepting) our happiness and goals.

I am not talking about the bliss of ignorance. I am talking about active control over how we talk to ourselves. Entrance bouncing for the disco in our heads, to keep the party going.

Do you control your thoughts or do your thoughts control you?

The thing about thoughts is that they can quickly spiral. As humans, we have the brainpower to make thoughts not just about happenings in the world, but take it a step further: make thoughts about thoughts. We also have feelings about our thoughts, which can in turn trigger new thoughts & feelings again. Some call this construct a mindfuck. I prefer to call it the spiral of thought, because it can go upwards as well!

Artwork above drawn with colored pencils on cotton paper, 50x70cm, June 2021

Whatever you let into your brain can and will find a place to breed. Grow. So what do you want that mental flower to be, what thoughts do you want to seed?

Artwork above drawn with colored pencils on cotton paper, 50x70cm, June 2021

As an artist, I can tell you that many of us have a very masochistic and self-destructive approach to managing our thoughts.

Find what you love and let it kill you (..while trying to preserve something others can look at)

is probably the shortest and most common artist biography.

Yes, I too have explored the depths of pain in the name of inspiration, letting them suck me into their darkness. They are usually teased by the most attractive of muses which make you curious to go a step further. And further. And further. And when you start to see and pick the fruits of inspiration, they suck you further into their inferno. It’s so easy to get lost in there. Down there it’s so easy to lose sight and touch of reality. We start to see and interpret things that aren’t real or true — which can lead to impressive artistic feats, but sadly, those often come at the great cost of personal sacrifice, and often of those close to us as well. So so so bittersweet.

Artwork above drawn with fineliner on paper, 20x30cm, June 2021

What it means to be mentally healthy

Let’s take on the power and responsibility to control and edit our thoughts. Choose which ones we keep and grow, and which ones we kick out.

Reality check. Reflect. And edit. Keep some, leave some. Or as an Internet quote puts it:

Edit your life frequently and ruthlessly. It's your masterpiece after all. ― Nathan W. Morris

To achieve this, the importance of setting boundaries cannot be overstated. Boundaries are often talked about in relationships with others, and I’d like to raise awareness for setting boundaries in the way we speak to ourselves.

Show yourself the respect you deserve.

Artwork above drawn with fineliner on paper, 20x30cm, May 2021

And yes, we can be caring, empathic beings while maintaining a healthy distance to the outside world, to outside people. This is not an either/or. This can be evaluated and adapted on moods, situations and people. And you are the one in control of that. Respect yourself and your mental health to take this control.

As a sensitive person who physically feels lots of emotions, I have to stress the importance of finding ways to distance yourself from negative thoughts, negative people, negative environments.

It should also be noted that many, many conflicts within ourselves or with the outside world are a result of misunderstanding. Unfortunately, so much of our communication is never expressed in ways that are understandable and clear.

Communication is subject to interpretation and therefore letting the mind go crazy on certain expressions or possible intentions is a very, very unhealthy approach. Instead, take a moment to clarify a statement, reflect and express how a behavior or situation makes you feel. This simple practice usually helps you calm the storm. Don’t let a seed of fear or anger or pain grow in you, setting in motion the tornado spiral in your head & stomach. The earlier you take control over your thoughts, the earlier you clarify an interpretation, the quicker you can turn over to the bright side again.

Artwork above drawn with fineliner on paper, 20x30cm, April 2021

The people who practice mental health know that all of this means effort. Like a physical workout, mental cleansing and mental healing requires a commitment, time and space. I want to encourage you to take this time and make this effort. Don’t let everyone play ball with your emotions. You are the referee of the mindgame. Stop overthinking. Start clarifying. Keep enjoying.

♡ flow

♡ flow

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Ok, so this is it. There are 2 parts:

1. The Perspective

Most problems stand between people, between you and me.

In order to solve a problem, we need to change perspectives. We need to act together against the problem. Like this:

There is one pre-requisite for this that will make everything easier: A commitment to the shared “We”.

Many love relationships push commitments out. It is only natural that the first bigger conflict then seems like everything is at stake.

At work, the “We” is the expected commitment in exchange for a paycheck. Real leaders will understand that trust is earned, not expected. If you wanna dive deeper here, I can recommend the work of Simon Sinek to all (aspiring) leaders.

So if you don’t want the relationship to break at the first headwind, dare to make a commitment. Communicate what it means to you and that way build a solid foundation. A we.

2. The focus on the future

Nobody likes to be critiqued for past actions. Because they can’t be changed. Reminder: nobody lives there anymore so let’s get over it.

Instead of communicating your discontent about not having done the dishes or not having taken time for the relationship because of work or not having been pleased with this-or-that, focus your energy and communication on the future.

Say: “Next time, I wish you’d ____” instead of “Why did you ____” or “I told you to ____”.

This approach gives your partner a chance to grow, a chance to do better.

You’ll see it works wonders.

♡ flow

I do yours
You do mine
On all fours
Sixty nine

Read more

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/c4ufwl07e0kx2aa/AABJKKSr1DTyef5NXo1iiLaHa?dl=0

♡ flow

Read more

For additional fun, here’s a playlist:

Imagine it’s a hot summer day, the sun’s out, and you’re lying by the pool. You notice a fancy sunbed next to you, with white linen curtains dancing in the summer breeze.

Curious by the privacy of this, your glance wanders over, safely covered by your sunglasses. You notice shining, tanned skin and feel a warm, fuzzy curiosity. A curiosity for more.

You watch a waiter carrying a bottle of iced rosé wine to your neighbor. After serving the wine, the waiter remains there standing, as if talking to someone.

You can’t keep your eyes away. Your tanning love affair with the sun starts to heat up your thoughts as well.

Then the waiter’s eyes catch yours. You feel caught. Then they glance into the sunbed. Then back at you. The nonverbal communication makes you put down your sunglasses. The waiter repeats the look, guiding his chin from your face to the sunbed. And you realize: this is not a judgment. This is an invitation.

to be continued at your own pleasing…

♡ flow

Can you be happy for someone when they get something that you want for yourself?

A lesson I’m currently learning is to compare myself less to other people. I’m learning to feel more joy than envy in interactions with others.

We only react emotionally when something is at stake that we find valuable.
— I learned this from German philosopher Michael Bordt

So when we let envy or anger or self-doubt get the better of us, we learn that we find something valuable. Maybe we learn that we like it more than we admitted because it was easier to play it cool.

My first lesson here is to admit that I want something. Admit it and commit to it.

The more we get to know ourselves this way, the more we start to prioritize our own desires and goals. We give them an emotional reality check by exploring how they make us feel. This way we also learn that some things leave us cold. That’s usually a sign that we don’t care all that much and should re-evaluate it if it's high on our agenda, i.e. if we spend much time & energy on it.

This emotional check helps us focus on the desires and goals that will drive not only our rational but also our emotional well-being. And we’ll stop chasing all that glitters and that ads try to make us want, pulling us in 24 different directions, and instead focus on the few things that matter to us.

An unhealthy belief here is to interpret scarcity in every situation. “But there’s none like it and now it’s gone” is far less true than assumed in that situation. Having faith that I will find and deserve what’s right for me combined with knowledge of what I actually want and makes me feel good — this faith and knowledge are the superpowers needed to filter the noise and focus my energy on new opportunities.

I know that many of you will reflect on this lesson in love relationships. My most recent survey on this (from 23 May 2021 with over 15.000 participants) tells us that 4 in 5 people (77%) believe that we have more than one soulmate. Let that and its consequences sink in.

Another unhealthy belief related to envy is to demand fairness. Two things speak against demanding fairness: first, I don’t know the full story. I don’t know all the players involved and even less their stories. It is therefore egoistic and arrogant to demand something that someone else might have earned way more than I have. Second, fairness puts me in a passive, receiving position. I give up on my control and expect a sort of overlooking master eye to acknowledge and evaluate everything and everyone and hand out perks & consequences accordingly. So rather than waiting to receive, I should actively pursue what I seek.

My second lesson is that life is not a competition. Life does have a finish line though and that is the grave. And the more you chase achievement after achievement after achievement, the more you chase validation, the sooner you’ll get there. And the later you’ll practice joy & gratitude for what is.

We humans are social creatures. Although individualism has been on a rocket rise for the past ~100 years, the most recent pandemic has demonstrated how much joy & meaning we get from social interactions. Meaningful social interactions. Deep talk. Hugs. Shared adventures.

Looking at our common human history and our great achievements that make us proud is a great reminder as to what we can create when we work with and for one another, as opposed to against each other.

So instead of asking for something someone else got, ask what we can create together?

Instead of feeling envy for someone who got something, let’s try to be happy for that person.

I’m sure that in the longer run, those are the kind of feelings you want to associate your personal history with.

♡ flow

There is no right or wrong way to see my art. There is only your way.

I invite you to reflect & fantasize. I invite you to read between the lines.

Go deeper on what catches you (this might be different on different days). Pass what doesn’t feel right. Reflect on why it triggers certain emotions or memories. I want to encourage you to allow yourself to feel.

In that process, we get to know ourselves. I find that reflecting on our emotional reactions is the most exciting and rewarding journey of self-discovery.

So here’s a sneak peek of what awaits you inside my diary.

I want to break free

Around your falling chest
My heartbeat‘s rising fast
Our pleasures are confessed
Embraced in love at last.

Let’s travel to a place where we can become one.

I just wanna hold on
Hold onto this
Hold onto you

Words help as little in understanding colors as eyes help in exploring feelings. Be closed, be closed, I say, so I can see so much more of me, of you, of us with all my other senses.

With you
my wettest dreams
come true.

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Gratefully,

flow

♡

What you give is yours forever. What you keep is lost forever. — Monsieur Ibrahim

This perspective changed my life because I started to open up. I started to express what I felt inside.

Art allows me to feel what I want to feel. Do what I want to do. Be who I want to be.

Through my art, I created a world where nothing must and everything may. A safe space for thoughts & feelings, fears & pleasures, doubts as well as bursts of energy.

My raw, honest, direct yet open way of communicating in lines of art & type helped not only me but gathered an online following of hundreds of thousands. Every day I feel humbled by the impact that following that quote had not only on my life but how many lives I can inspire.

More than an escape, my castles in the sky became a source of inspiration for many, curious minds & horny bodies alike who crave a soul-hugging, thought-provoking art experience, a home for lust & love which many of us haven’t felt in a long time.

I decided to open my visual diary of intimacy for you, my study & celebration of human nature in drawn & written formats, and hope to inspire you to reflect & fantasize.

So: Welcome to my art diary!

Thank you for being here. And congratulations on your investment in your mental health & relationships.

xx

flow

I want to end every entry with a question that helps us reflect. I’d like to encourage you to write your answers down. Get yourself a nice journal (or tuck together some pages), write your name on the cover, and start documenting. Don’t forget to date your answers. I promise that this personal growth journal will become a tremendous source of inspiration for you.

TODAY’S QUESTION:

What’s something you feel inside but hesitate to let out? What would your life look like if you let it out?

Here’s some music for your ears while your mind, soul & heart travel.